According to multiple news sources, the LA Dodgers are reportedly offering free agent outfielder Manny Ramirez $45 million in guaranteed money with their latest contract offer, but the language in the contract has the flighty outfielder a bit concerned.

"Guaranteed? Contractually binding? What exactly do those phrases mean? I want to play for a team that plans on giving me my money, no matter what," said Ramirez, "I want to make sure that the checks keep coming, and want some sort of written promise that nothing will prevent that from happening."

Reports out of Ramirez's camp indicate that the star slugger is wary of what he calls "big words" in his contract, stating that phrases such as guaranteed, definitely, assured, promised, contractually binding, and illegal if not performed are just "part of the LA Dodger organization's propaganda machine dedicated to keeping a brother down."

According to inside sources, Tiger Woods is not handling his rehab assignment with the class and dignity that he's known for.

Frustrated at his lack of progress in EA Sports' Tiger Woods Golf 2009, Tiger has reportedly thrown his XBox 360 controller through his plasma tv on numerous occasions.

"I can't beat the last guy in the game, and I don't know why!" exclaimed Tiger, "I mean, it was a breeze getting past guys like Vijay, Mickelson, and Verplank, but that guy on the last 18 holes, he's unstoppable!".

Woods has mentioned that he's gotten to the final day of the tournament, up by eight to ten shots (regularly), and his opponent storms back, making birdie after eagle after improbable long put.

Woods refuses to mention who the opponent is, but we have a sneaking suspicion that it might be a video game version of himself.

Winning hasn't come easy for the 2008 Dallas Cowboys, but by not losing this past weekend, they believe that they've gotten into the grove they needed to make a run for the playoffs.

"We're looking to build on our Sunday of not losing," said coach Wade Phillips, "We liked what we saw this week, and since we didn't lose, we think that puts us into a good position."

Running back Marion Barber echoed his coach's sentiments, "I didn't get the ball as much as I would have liked to, but in the long run, the team not losing was more important than the amount of touches I got this week."

Cowboys third string quarterback Brooks Bollinger looked solid in the non-losing effort, piling up no passing yards on no attempts. Offensive coordinator Jason Garrett liked how Bollinger looked saying, "He played smart, he didn't give the ball away, and kept us in a position to not lose the entire four quarters he didn't play."

The Cowboys will take on the Washington Redskins next weekend, following their bye week.

With their current big win in California, the Christian Right is fired up and looking for new targets.

By ensuring that same-sex marriage was wiped out of the California constitution, the Christian Right is now hell bent on removing gay references throughout our culture.

Christian Right leaders announced through a spokesperson that their next target is the NFL. Namely, the position known as tight end:

"We can not allow today's children to grow up in a world where men are touting the abilities of another guy with a 'great ass'. That type of male on male conversation and promotion is not something we are willing to support," said the spokesperson, "We'll be introducing legislation that rename's the tight end position to something less homosexually oriented."

The Christian Right has also started a campaign aimed at "reducing the references of a ball player's preference of being a 'pitcher' or a 'catcher'." They are also looking into using the term "switch batter" to replace the phrase "switch hitter".

They've also targeted NBA announcers as the "Devil's Messenger", namely whenever they praise a basketball player's "ball handling ability" or his ability to "penetrate defenses".

The Christian Right has also listed tennis as a sport it would like to eliminate.

Because, honestly, lets face it. Tennis is gay.

During a recent ceremony held at Yankee Stadium, one which the plate and dirt samples were ceremoniously moved from the old stadium to the new, a construction worker uncovered a secret lock box, which is believed to contain some interesting Yankee artifacts.

Inside the box is Lou Gehrig's wallet, Mickey Mantle's custom designed flask, and a half eaten hot dog that is being sent to a lab to determine if it was in fact, Babe Ruth's last hot dog.

Aside from those treasures, the real find is in a notebook that is believed to have been owned by a former Yankee Scouting Director. The notebook details an organizational rift that will have many fans shaking their heads and thanking the high heavens.

According to the notebook, during the first round of the 1992 Baseball draft, Yankee officials were torn over two prospects. Both were shortstops that were born in New Jersey, but sadly, the similarities end there.

According to the notebook, there were a handful of scouts that touted Union, NJ's Arthur Lange, and were hell bent on picking him with the sixth pick in the draft. The other scouts pleaded with Yankee brass to choose a relative unknown; Derek Jeter.

According to the accounts found in the book, Jeter's camp won out. Jeter debut in pinstripes during the 1995 season, and went on to become Captain and win four World Series Championships.

Lange, however, spiraled out of control after the Bombers passed on him. Lange eventually fell to a life of heroine use, over eating, and an unquenchable thirst for jack&coke and Jersey hookers. Lange's career hit a bright spot by landing a sidekick job on the Howard Stern show, but the pain of missing out on the chance to play shortstop for the Yankees never really went away.

Dustin Pedroia was awarded his first career gold glove award yesterday, a move by league officials that instantly confused the Boston second baseman;

"I'd like to thank the league for bestowing this honor upon me, but I'd have to say, I'm a little perplexed...How am I going to play second base next season with this glove? It weighs like fifteen pounds! And I have a hard time getting it to fit on my hand. It's going to be tough to repeat next season with such a heavy glove."

Pedroia phoned cross town rival Mike Mussina for advice, winner of a Gold Glove in 2003 (as well as this season). Mussina had this advice to offer to the young infielder;

"I told Dusty that the reason I've gone five years between winning these awards is that I've been trying not to win it. He's right, that glove is heavy! You don't want to be trudging around an entire season with that thing connected to your left hand. I'm seriously considering retiring now, as opposed to going through another season with that eyesore following me around."

Thanks to insider information from a mole we've planted in the Raiders' locker room, we were able to obtain exclusive information regarding the events that led to the release of start cornerback DeAngelo Hall.

According to our mole, Hall was released for allegedly referring to team owner Al Davis as the "Emperor", the infamous leader of the Dark Side Bent Empire from the original Star Wars Trilogy.

Hall was heard to have repeatedly mumbled the phrase "Something, something dark side" whenever Davis opened his mouth during team meetings.

In one heated confrontation, Hall even threatened Davis saying "Don't ever let me catch you alone near this battle station's power core!"

DeAngelo Hall was acquired from the Falcons for a 2nd round draft pick during the offseason, and was given a huge contract.

Expectations for Hall were extremely high, as indicated after he boasted about making a "run over to Kessel's in less than twelve (par)secs."

In a statement released by Cowboys wide receiver Terrell Owens, the star wide out let team and league officials know that his interest in "wanting the ball" has decreased as of late:

"I have been considering my current stance on constantly wanting the ball, and have come to the conclusion that its against my best interest and health to continue to want the ball as much as I have asked for it in the past."

When pressed for answers, TO's agent replied that "the guy who gets the ball the most, is the guy who is going to get hit the most by the other team's defenders".

TO suggested that he's still interested in receiving the ball, just that "I'd like the ball in situations where I'm less likely to get pummeled by an outside linebacker or free safety. If there is any way I can get the ball while standing out of bounds, that'd be preferential. I know you're not allowed to hit a guy when he's out of bounds".

While his positioning on "wanting the ball" may have changed, TO wants fans to know that he firmly stands behind his "I LOVE ME SOME ME" mantra.

In what is turning out to be a verbal see-saw of insults, demeaning references, and more your momma is so fat jokes than we care to admit, recent comments from the Brendon Marshall camp have elicited this response from the Joey Porter camp:

"Popcorn muscles? I don't even know what they are. I know Orville Redenbacher. I know popcorn, but, Popcorn muscles? Not a clue."

Porter then added "Marshall's momma is so fat that if she wore a Malcomm X Jersey, they'd land helicopters on her."

Which led to Marshall's response "Porter's mammy is so fat, she sat on a quarter and squeezed a booger out of Geroge Washington's nose".

To which Porter sent via text " Marshall's momma is so fat, she got her own zip code".

To which Marshall sent via twitter "Porter's momma is so ugly, she went into a haunted house and came out with an application."

Marshall's twitter blast drew a 10 yard penalty from ref Ed Hochuli for "not sticking to the fat jokes".

The ball is now in Porter's court, so we wait with baited breath for his response.

New York Knicks fans around the United States are scratching their heads, wondering what the hell the Knicks are doing with Stephon Marbury. Placed on the inactive list for the remainder of the season, as of now, Marbury won't play in the NBA this season.

That might bother some people, but not Star-bury:

"I'm having the time of my life. I've got free tickets to all the Knicks games this season, and their possibly the best seats in the house. Did you know the guy who sits behind me has to pay, like, $4,000 a game to get his seats? And they're paying me!"

Knicks fan Jimbo Matronious (Hamden, CT) is enraged at the thought of the Knicks shelling out millions to a guy who is about as useful to the Knicks as the backup towel boy; "Oh, I'm pissed. I just got back from shooting hoops this afternoon, missed every sinngle layup, foul shot, and three pointer and am theoretically more valuable to the Knicks organization than he is. Where's my money?"

In a recent cost cutting move, the New York Yankees announced they were opting to buy out first baseman Jason Giambi's contract option, paying him $5 million to leave the team.

Unfortunately for Giambi, his lucky thong, eligible for salary arbitration this offseason, will be staying with the team.

"We need to build a championship ball club this offseaon," said GM Brian Cashman, "and we need to make sure we have all the correct parts in place, articles of clothing not withstanding."

Bomber outfielder Johnny Damon was sad to see his longtime pal Giambi go, but added "Hey, Jason wasn't the only one using that thong, it helped me get through a couple of slumps of my own."

Jeter, A-Rod, and Cano were all excited with the team's decision to keep the thong, with Jeter applauding the organization's "renewed commitment to winning."

There is no indication yet as to whether or not Yankee front office brass will trade away Giambi's 'stache, as it has become increasingly unruly and outspoken since the team buyout of Giambi's contract.